Musings on Turning 30

Living in abundance.

For weeks, if not months, I've known a post of this ilk was inevitably coming, and yet as I battled through an overly dramatic fear of entering this new decade, and a genuine unknowing of how it would actually feel to cross the threshold, I had no idea what these musings might contain.

Well, now I'm here, age 30 and 1 week, having started drafting some thoughts two days ago on a plane journey back to London from Albania, where I spent my birthday this year (more to come in a meanderings post soon). As you might have gathered, the world did not end as the clock struck midnight on May 12th, nor did I feel a remarkable difference to my inner being - or outer appearance. The moment was marked by a simple nod to the time by my partner and I, smiles and a private toast, as we sat resting from joyous dancing at the wedding of one of his close friends.

"My day" would begin at sunlight, which flanked our hotel room and greeted me on the balcony as I sat opening cards that friends and family had posted in advance (any gifts had to be left at home - I am not a light packer at the best of times, let alone allowing space for additional treats!). A day of leisure ensued; breakfast, beach, drinks, lunch. Sun, sea and sand created a warm welcome into this new era, especially after a chilly, damp spring back home. I tried not to spend too much time on my phone through the day (an aim whenever I’m on holiday), wanting to feel really present, whether that be taking in the views, reading my book, or being in conversation. That said, I received a flurry of lovely, heartfelt birthday messages from lots of wonderful people, with good wishes for the day and reassurance about the decade ahead - including ample references to being "30, flirty and thriving".

Birthday blues.

Explaining this cultural reference to my partner, and reminiscing about the effect Jennifer Garner's Jenna Rink of 13 Going on 30 fame had on my friends as I as tweens was a fun trip down memory lane (and very much got me wanting to re-watch the movie ASAP). My appreciation of Love is a Battlefield is thanks to this movie. Ditto my deep desire for a walk-in wardrobe (see also: SATC, The Princess Diaries 2) and pipedream to work at a fashion magazine (minus the bitchiness), in which I know I'm not alone, as this great piece by

Gillian Orr

attests.

While I don't have these things, I do have this Substack, which is far less glamorous than putting together an issue of Poise but does bring me a lot of joy, as well as ample (read: too many) clothes, shoes, accessories (I'm on another Vinted/charity shop purge as I try to explore/discover/define who I want to be/how I want to dress at 30 - a conversation for another time I’m sure). The lead up to this birthday has been plagued with much anxiety, in both the flippant and very real sense, about where I am in life, about what I have (or more to the point, have not) achieved. I’ve worried quite incessantly about not being where I want(ed) to be. About not having a plan for how to get there. About not really knowing where or what that place is. It's so annoyingly cliché - falling into the trap of the unrealistic societal pressure to have it all figured out by now (Jenna Rink seemed to, after all). But I don't expect my friends to have it all figured out. Whether they be in the 1994 crew or 80’s babies, I've not once questioned the progress or legitimacy of their life ‘plan’ as they hit the big 3-0 (or any other age, for that matter), and yet myself fell hook, line and sinker into the trap of quietly scolding myself for not being more… together.

Luckily for me, and for you, I hope, if you're reading this and resonating at all, I have very wise and encouraging family, friends and colleagues whose words and own reflections on this marking of a new decade must have infiltrated through osmosis in a way that meant, on the day itself, and indeed since, I have not felt any lingering doom around this new age. If anything, quite the opposite. I have picked up an inclination to lean into my "30, flirty and thriving" era. I want to make the most of this time of relative freedom and prosperity - which I had already started to think about recently - where I have more disposable income and saving potential than I did turning 20. My life is really full, rich with love, opportunity, and overflowing bookshelves. Professionally I may not be at the top of my game with a flashy title and international travel, but I'm finding my way in something new, and there's always value to be gained in that. Buying a property still feels like the impossible dream much of the time, but I will drink my takeaway coffee and eat my avocado toast guilt-free because I'm financially educated enough (in part thanks to women behind platforms such as Vestpod, Female Invest, Her First $100k) to know it's not really those little luxuries that are going to make the difference to my potential for home ownership.

For all these reasons, and more, I am told our 30s are the best decade to enter into - by those in it, and those beyond - and I don't recall this message coming so strongly when I turned 20. It felt monumental then, but WOW that was young. Young enough not to have the self confidence and inner knowing I deserve to lean on - which is an ongoing journey but one that is much stronger now, ten years on, in a way that makes me excited to see how it develops further in years and decades to come. The aura projected by older, wiser women such as those interviewed on

The Shift With Sam Baker

are a true inspiration.

Prompted by close friend Ellie (of

Unravelling things

), on the plane journey out to Albania, two days before turning 30, I spent some time journalling on things I had done, had accomplished, before this birthday, and the ways in which my life has turned out at this point to be aligned with what I might have expected. Thinking back through my school days, university, and working life, I was surprised at what reflections came out. What I deemed to be an achievement or moments of success I might have previously overlooked. The number of countries I've been lucky enough to visit. The things I've been able to make happen for other people. The money I've raised for charities. The changing relationship with my idea of a healthy body - and mind for that matter. I probably wrote self indulgently for well over an hour, thoughts and reflections pouring out, despite it initially seeming like quite a daunting task. I felt encouraged by a realisation that I have, fairly consistently through life, moved towards things or said yes to things that at different phases have nudged me in the right direction for the life I want to lead and the person I want to be within that life. I think we sometimes forget how much agency we have, even if it feels like external circumstances weigh more heavy. The smallest of decisions or actions each day can make a big difference to creating a life we love.

While this time of reflection provided a wave of almost excitement for looking ahead towards this new decade that was soon approaching, the birthday vibes had already been in flow earlier this month, on a weekend trip to Devon with a few close friends (the Santorini gang in fact), one of whom turned 30 a few days after me. Chatting that weekend, she didn't seem to have any fear at all about crossing this aging threshold, and our different approaches caused a laugh at being demonstrative of our differing personalities. At a group dinner, our co-host for the weekend, Charlotte, arranged a surprise birthday cake complete with oodles of candles and decadent chocolate curls - a metaphorical reminder that, regardless of the number lit-up atop the cake, life is still indeed very sweet.

The big day itself saw more surprises, with another cake, balloons, flowers and scattered rose petals organised by a somewhat unorganised partner, somehow in secret, even while we were away together. Neither of us are massively into grand gestures in this way, so the sense of overwhelm just poured into the love and gratitude I had felt through the day.

Bouquets for days.

After dinner at a beautiful farm restaurant in the mountains, I ended the day feeling very full. That feeling has continued through the week, and into this weekend as family celebrations have ensued, and knowing there are more to look forward to as May becomes very much a birthday month. The feeling is an overwhelming appreciation of living in abundance. Of cake. Of cards. Of balloons. Of love. Of experiences. Of opportunities.

I hope my life is long, with ample time to continue to try and do good things. For myself, those close to me, those I do not know yet, and those I will never know. Which is why my intention entering into this decade is to keep moving towards what feels right, what feels energizing, what brings me even closer to the life I want and the person I am/want to be. And maybe even considering that I might already be there? If that's not exciting, I don't know what is.

Of course, we needn't wait for the big 3-0, or another milestone birthday, for this to hit home. Each day we wake up is a birthday to be thankful for, as my partner is wont to remind me on his more cheery mornings. Though I may roll my eyes, he is indeed wholeheartedly correct. And with that, I leave you with the encouragement to be excited about navigating your life today, and everyday, too.*

*Caveat - despite finding a lot of joy in these past seven days, for a good five of them I have been annoyingly battling the unwelcome effects of food poisoning, which has not made for the MOST ideal start to being 30, flirty and thriving. So for readers feeling that the sentiment of excitement for every. single. day. seems a bit of a challenge, know that I get that, whatever your challenges may be. For what it’s worth - chin up, water down, and try to focus on the good.

If you liked this piece and are keen to show some support without a paid subscription, a birthday treat of a Ko-fi coffee would be much appreciated. ☕

PS … thank you to

Claire Venus

for the encouragement to commit to essay writing this year via

Sparkle on Substack

!